WI&O

My Box

2011-05-14T22:07:00.000-05:00

This post is just for me. I've had a rude awakening as of late:

I only fit in my box.
I'm not good enough for some people and too good for others.
I have worked hard and yet it feels as if I haven't worked hard enough.
I am asking for more.
In this world of haves and have nots, I'm still not sure where I stand.
I am a misfit & embrace that.
I am dealing with feeling a bit lost at the moment.
Some things are great, some are good, some are bad, some are not meant to be dealt with right now, others overdue. I guess it's life.

What the Hell Happened to Me!?!

2011-04-03T10:50:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's so difficult for me to keep up with the blog...I have a lot going on and not a whole lot of blogworthy stories. It's been an interesting year thus far and I'll hit the high points (since my last post which was in SEPTEMBER!?! I'm sorry, I suck).

I met, dated, fell in love with, first boyfriend, first Holidays, everything with K. We broke up in February.
He wanted me to work on me, but with the time commitments that I give to work, friends, and K, I didn't have any time for me. I realized that K would be a better friend than boyfriend.
I gained about 20 pounds in 2010...all fat.
I lost 25 pounds in 2011...all fat, and gaining muscle.

I'm constantly becoming the new me. I find problems with myself and I'm working on them. I've started a lot of great habits and I'm learning self control in ways that I need.

All I have is all I need. Let it be. Ask for what I need.

Things with my dad are better than they have ever been. Things with my mom are not the same, and I mourn that. Things with my sister & brother in law are pleasant & nice. My friends have changed, both faces and situations, and I'm good with that.

In 2011, I am starting a new business.

In 2011, I am asking for a major raise at my corporate job.

In 2011, I am remaking my body to save my life.

In 2011, I plan to buy a house.

In 2011, I am living with my heart, soul, head and cock looking to what's right, not convenient or easy.

In 2011, I am finding common sense, which is uncommon.

In 2011, I am not letting those bastards grind me down.

In 2011, I am getting a puppy.

Cheers!

As a Post Script, I originally wanted to rant about why some guys have forgotten how to kiss. I don't know when the 'drunk sorority girl sloppy lips' came into vogue, but it's commonality is getting really worrisome.

GO VOTE TODAY!

2010-11-02T09:00:00.001-05:00

MAD AS HELL!!

I didn’t write this. The actual author is unknown but he/she speaks gospel. In anticipation of this election and most assured coronation of the astroturfed group as kingmakers, no matter the outcome:

You didn’t get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President.

You didn’t get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate Energy policy and push us to invade Iraq .

You didn’t get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.

You didn’t get mad when the Patriot Act got passed.

You didn’t get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us. You didn’t get mad when we spent over 800 billion (and counting) on said illegal war.

You didn’t get mad when Bush borrowed more money from foreign sources than the previous 42 Presidents combined.

You didn’t get mad when over 10 billion dollars in cash just disappeared in Iraq .

You didn’t get mad when you found out we were torturing people.

You didn’t get mad when Bush embraced trade and outsourcing policies that shipped 6 million American jobs out of the country.

You didn’t get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.

You didn’t get mad when we didn’t catch Bin Laden.

You didn’t get mad when Bush rang up 10 trillion dollars in combined budget and current account deficits.

You didn’t get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn’t get mad when we let a major US city, New Orleans drown.

You didn’t get mad when we gave people who had more money than they could spend, the filthy rich, over a trillion dollars in taxbreaks. You didn’t get mad with the worst 8 years of job creations in several decades.

You didn’t get mad when over 200,000 US Citizens lost their lives because they had no health insurance.

You didn’t get mad when lack of oversight and regulations from the Bush Administration caused US Citizens to lose 12 trillion dollars in investments, retirement, and home values.

No…..You finally got mad

When a black man was elected President and decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick.

Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, job losses by the millions, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, and the worst economic disaster since 1929 are all okay with you, but helping fellow Americans who are sick…Oh, Hell No!!

2010-09-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

Here it is...

Picture in the paper

2010-09-07T06:49:00.002-05:00

I got my picture in the paper from the rooftop party I went to last month. My friend is a photographer & took a really cool picture of me there & one of the local papers just happened to be doing a story the week after. I wish I had a copy from the paper, but I only have the digital copy my friend forwarded me.

disparate life

2010-08-06T11:53:00.002-05:00

I was just reading a blog post here, and thinking about why I haven't blogged in a long time. It's not for a lack of stories. I have had a lot of adventures in the past two months.

#Gay Pride
#July 4th
#Birthday
#Gaga
#Political Campaigning
#Rooftop Parties
#Picture in the Paper (for a good reason)

I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot in this but those are the highlights. Low points include 3 sets of friends moving away, weight gain due to my job stress (I've gained about 15 pounds, which for a former fat kid, really frightens me), and a new level of loneliness that I don't really know how to comprehend.

At least my hair is looking good these days!

I appreciate and request no sympathy because it only makes me feel worse. Rather, if you are to comment, please ask about which story you want to hear more about, or detail your summers out.

Well...

2010-06-08T08:52:00.002-05:00

J. came back into my life last night (not in that way pervs...we are friends). We've tried to develop a friendship but the past 18 months we haven't hung out. He broke up with a controlling guy that he had dated coincidentally for that amount of time and we hung out like the third night after lol...Anyway, I'm glad we're friends again.

I've been like the pool spotter this summer...already finding 3 pools that I can rotate & bring beer to so that's wonderful...

Tuesdays are fun-ish.

I forgot what I was talking about

2010-06-05T11:52:00.004-05:00

HAHA this happens all the time...

Updates: Short & sweet because the sunshine, pool, & a beer are calling my name.

Had a great Memorial Day Weekend!! Pool time, BBQs, porch time with friends, and a freaking amazing arts festival in my neighborhood, along with extra time off and a massage, made it Awesome! It was quality.

The guy I dated over the winter is planning on moving in downstairs from me...that should be interesting, and we're having a heat wave in OKC the likes of which I can't remember (except one of those summers that I worked construction from 5am-4pm)...and I only have one window AC unit...could get interesting.

Dealing with a bout of depression but hopefully soon it will pass...

I have had a lot of fun and am making connections at the new job so that's nice & other than that I've just been working and spending time with people..Gotta Run!

Day 04 — Your favorite book

2010-05-21T14:02:00.002-05:00

Returning to the obscurity...This week has been busy, which surprises me.

My favorite book would probably be something between Dante's Inferno (which is one of the best works of all time) and Simon Schama's great work on the History of Great Britain. Or I could name 'The Omnivore's Dilemma' by Michael Pollan. His work is great.

I love to read; currently I'm reading a wonderful late 1940s book on the political history and current (then) state of governments. It's really fantastic & there are a lot of parallels with today's situations (recessions, changing governments in Europe, etc). I enjoy it.

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

2010-05-17T21:11:00.002-05:00

This is so easy for me! I absolutely love the West Wing. I love the cast, the storylines, the comedy, and the cinematography. It's such a fun show & I enjoy watching it almost every morning while getting ready for work...

If we are talking about a current tv show, then it would be Brothers & Sisters. I can't believe they killed Robert off, I totally thought they would send him off to Federal Prison or something fun like that. I mean I knew he hadn't renewed his contract with the producers but to kill him off that simply in a car accident was just random & kind of a known commodity. I thought that the new story line for Saul was heartbreaking but kind of a really pathetic attempt to give him a past. They should just write someone into his life & let it be. I so much would rather be a Scotty than a Kevin or Saul...

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

2010-05-16T11:34:00.002-05:00

I don't really have a go-to movie when I'm down or need a laugh. I don't even really watch movies more than once unless I really really enjoy them. I would have to say my most quoted movie is "Christmas Vacation" because it's funny and works for my dry humor.

I know I'm a day behind but yesterday got the better of me for doing this.

30 Day Challenge

2010-05-14T23:01:00.003-05:00

I'm going to try to follow this plan that's been buzzing around the blogs as of late...I could use this as an opportunity to actually start blogging on a regular basis again...so here's the list.

Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 1 — My favorite Song? I've always been drawn to the story songs so Contemporary Christian back in the day and now I like Broadway songs. I think my favorite song right now is "A Way Back to Then" sung by Heidi Blickenstaff of [title of show], a 2008 Broadway show. It's pretty badass...give it a listen.

Typical

2010-04-21T20:18:00.004-05:00

I'm really enjoying my new job! I'm not as busy as I have been which is nice. I'm finally finding a groove there, even though it's always playing catch up & they are going to add more tasks on in a few weeks lol. I'm doing well in that avenue...and even looking cute in my new clothes!

I'm really good at doing one thing at a time...in saying that, I need some scissors. I need to cut some ties. I need to say some goodbyes. it's hard. I don't want to end up alone. I want to fight, but I feel strung along & nothing better coming up. What to do?

Let be.

Fuck. How am I still fighting the battles of the 14/23/25 year olds me?

thankful for real friends & booze.

I've lost something

2010-04-12T22:37:00.002-05:00

I don't know.

I'm having the best and worst year of my life so far. I know this mountain won't last. This song is touching me right now. I made a mistake on Friday night & have been emotionally wrought ever since. I know I've got to cut myself some slack because I'm pretty bad ass but I've got to make sure that my priorities are in order.

I wouldn't be surprised if I lost most of my readers lately, my blog posts have been my negativity outlet for the past few months. I swear I'm not this whiney in real life. I'm funny, loving, kind, always smiling, meeting new people and the other side of me is what's inside. I can't live up to these expectations any longer. I make my own expectations!

Welling Up

2010-04-03T14:09:00.002-05:00

I need to cry. I'm hurting, but it's nothing major. Keep moving on, the boxes get stacked up.

UPDATE: It seems that I just am a multi-faceted person who doesn't know what the fuck I want. I love life, I'm just sad because some chapters are closing, some chapters are being newly written and the rest are bridges between them. I just need a good closure for the things that are over and a good opening for the things beginning...

Yesterday

2010-03-22T10:47:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I cut my ex's hair. No, that's not a metaphor for something I dwelled on, or even something I thought of in depth until I was in that moment.

We had gone back and forth talking about his hair for about a week. He wanted something cute, I wanted him to trust me to cut it short. We both knew that he needed a change for his hair.

I had never cut someone else's hair before. (for the record, I had cut my own, so I knew what to do and how to make it look good.)

It was an odd experience. Almost intimate. The detail of work. Quite eerie in a 'we used to be intimate & now we are friends' way; it's hard to put into words. I mean it's not every day that you rub someone's head to make sure their hair is evenly cut.

All in all, it took about 15 minutes, and we were both pleased with the results. I just feel a little strange because I'm trying to get over him & the situation. I don't know.

I feel alone right now. I'm not dating because I'm too busy with work, and I just want someone that wants to do nice things for me & wants to spend time with me. Is that too much to ask?

5 Pairs of Pants

2010-03-21T11:56:00.003-05:00

5 pairs of pants.
1 maker.
5 pairs of pants.
1 size, 5 colors.
5 pairs of pants.
5 different fitting pants?

This seriously happened to me. The only reason I would have more than one pair of one type of pants is because I wear them to work and 3 out of the 5 pairs look good on me. Had I known when I bought them that they would all be different, I would have probably shopped elsewhere. Who knows?

So Much to Say

2010-03-18T22:07:00.005-05:00

I have a lot to say mainly because I haven't updated in a while, but I've been really busy (working at both jobs & being an editor for a new magazine startup). I have so many balls in the air that I don't know what to do with myself at times.

I'm still doing the event planning for the April 8th event and I think we are going to make it to the finish line just fine! I'm wrapping up my job at the art gallery because I've been recruited and accepted an offer for a different job in OKC. I've already agreed to the confidentiality agreement but I will say it's a great opportunity and a little more pay and it offers fun fringe benefits. (I did, however, give up roughly 5 weeks of vacation for 2010 in the move).

I have had a lot of mixed feelings about this (as any rational adult should with a career move). I'm honestly so flattered that I was even chosen for the opportunity, let alone being given the offer in the first interview. I think I'll do a great job at it once I get acquainted with everything.

I'm also very sad. It was sad to tell everyone that I'm leaving, partially for the relationship I have with all of them, and partially because I am good at what I do and it's safe there. The compliments have been pouring in from my bosses and board members which have made me know that I will forever cherish this job. Nothing Ever Stays The Same (as my mom always told me with great emphasis).

I'm also sad knowing that I think they would have offered me more money had I only asked. They know that what I do/did is critical for the success of the organization and the continued growth of programming, and that whoever they hire will have big shoes to fill.

I'm also sad that I'm moving away from a quasi creative job to one that's mostly analytical and process driven. It will be a great challenge for my brain and I know that someday I will return to a job that will be in line with my passion. At some point I'm going to have to be less focused on the dream and more so on making some money to accomplish it. (I've sold out and it hurts; I hope I don't lose my passion in my ambition.)

I will have a big cry over all of this, and it's been coming for a few days. I find that my sensitivity sensors are on high these days. I think that I will have to put my guard back up due to the nature of the job but that's probably in my best interest.

On another note, we're supposed to get 10 inches of snow on Saturday. We haven't gotten more than about 4 inches of snow in March my entire life!! I was planning on having a work weekend at home so it will work out.

From Negative to Positive

2010-03-15T10:11:00.002-05:00

Realize it’s possible, instead of telling yourself why you can’t.
Become aware of your self-talk.
Squash negative thoughts like a bug.
Replace them with positive thoughts.
Love what you have already.
Be grateful for your life, your gifts, and other people.
Every day.
Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
But be inspired by them.
Accept criticism with grace.
But ignore the naysayers.
See bad things as a blessing in disguise.
See failure as a stepping stone to success.
Surround yourself by those who are positive.
Complain less, smile more.
Image that you’re already positive.
Then become that person in your next act.

Today's post is just for me. I needed a little encouragement to go with my clumsy self haha.

March UPdates

2010-03-04T13:22:00.000-06:00

It's been a busy time in my life. I have been working a lot with my primary job, but recently was recruited to be the event planner for March of Dimes for their April event (a banquet for almost 500 people) and it will be one of the larger events I've done. My responsibilities to everyone and everything have increased...I hope other things will start to match it.

I'm finally getting over CW and happy to report that we are starting a great friendship. We hang out often and are getting to know each other well and that's all I can say about that.

I really don't have much else to say other than I've been busy, life is good, and I have great friends.

*I did have something great to say earlier but I've since forgotten it in the hustle & bustle of the day.

2010-02-25T22:56:00.001-06:00

"Man in particular is concrete, but man in general is always abstract."

Rehab

2010-02-23T10:50:00.003-06:00

I've spent the last two days detoxing from an incredibly stressful and eventful past 10 days or so. I was so busy with work, events, friends going away parties, and life in general my sleep was off, my work was poor, and my time management at home had gone to shit. I felt like something was off after CW and I ended things and it still feels a little like that's the case, but now I'm not pouring myself into too many social events and work items. It seems like I go through this detox program about ~~once~~ three times a year (after Valentine's, after Pride, and after Halloween) when my schedule is busy and packed & I over do it.

I didn't take any drugs, no body worry...just alcohol...and in LARGE quantities.

I've also had some alone time in the past 2 days to think about things which has been helpful and exciting.

I am a "guy rehabilitator." I show them that all guys aren't assholes. I show them that someone can be nice to them without expecting too much. I show them that there's good people in the world. I did it with JD (summer of 08), JC (summer of 09), JS (fall of 09) and now CW (winter of 10). I'm not a doormat, I don't let them walk all over me. I am honest with them and don't try to mask over any harsh truths.

*as an aside, if anyone from my f+cebook found this blog, I have lots of friends with those initials lol.

The problem with all of this is that the very next guy they meet, they fall in love with and get into LTRs with! It's happened 3 out of 4 times!! (it's been too short of time for CW as of yet)...

I feel a bit used. Is it better to have a feeling and lose it or to never let that out? Or was that feeling even real?

I don't want baggage from them. I don't want to feel confused and hurt and alone at the end of the day.

I don't want to be the boy that never fell in love. Back to doing my thing...continuing rehab for now.

CONFUCKINGFUSED!!!

2010-02-16T22:00:00.003-06:00

OMG I have a blind date tomorrow night. Well not so blind as just as a first date from someone I met on facebook.

We met tonight at Taco Tuesday at Iguana Lounge (one of the best Mexican food places in OKC).

He was really cute in person, reacted well to my jokes, and blushed like 7 times when people called him out (as gays are wont to do when in large groups). I just don't think he's into me. He doesn't know me.

He also just changed his number on Monday (due to an unknown reason). So do I message him on Facebook? Or do I let him text me tomorrow? Or do I just let him not bother with me? IFUCKINDONTKNOWWHATTODO!!! GAWD!

I'm just gonna follow my philosophy "Let be." But in that case, does that mean I'm being passive and not going after what I want? That's what I'm confused about.

Good Quote for a Sickday

2010-02-15T11:05:00.002-06:00

“Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.”

Henry David Thoreau

I'm sick today from work but the meal was amazing last night. CW did come to dinner & it was nice.

Confused

2010-02-14T01:18:00.003-06:00

I'm cooking my Valentine's meal tomorrow...following is the menu (3 courses, 5 dishes)...

First Course: seared iceberg lettuce w/ blue cheese and sauteed onions and bacon.

Second Course: Pork Chops w/ smashed potatoes & roasted Brussels Sprouts w/ sriracha & lime juice.

Third Course: Double chocolate toffee crunch brownies.

I'm cooking (I believe) for just me, but enough food basically for about 5 people.

CW and I went out to the bars tonight and had a lot of fun (as we always do). I told him he could possibly watch Zombieland with me tomorrow if he wanted a break from studying, and he said he was gonna take me up on that offer. We also kissed as we left for our respective homes, twice. I'm seriously trying to get over him, but this didn't help. I really enjoy him & would love for things to work out for us to be together but right now it's not working at all. I've gotta let it be. I don't know how I'll react if we do end up spending Valentine's Day together...But I was doing better beforehand.

I am cooking for myself. It's a reward for being me, and it's the longest relationship I'll ever have (with myself). My right hand definitely knows that haha.

brokenhearted

2010-02-10T10:45:00.003-06:00

That's how I feel right now.

The timing is off.
I don't make enough money.
My body doesn't look right.
I live in a poor neighborhood.
I have a big nose.
I am awkward.
I drive a truck.

And that my friends is my self-deprecating rant. I've tried to cry over the past few days but the tears just won't come.

I'm done.

Good Design

2010-02-08T10:05:00.001-06:00

The Svenskt Tenn design philosophy speaks to my heart:

“There’s nothing wrong with mixing old and new, with combining different furniture styles, colours and patterns. Anything that is in your taste will automatically fuse to form an entire relaxing environment. A home does not need to be planned down to the smallest detail or contrived; it should be an amalgamation of the things that its owner loves and feels at home with.”

That's exactly how I feel when I'm at home. It's snowing today and I'm at work.

Definitions

2010-01-26T11:56:00.002-06:00

I'm not all that popular, that rich, or that powerful.

But what I am is so much more. I'm smart, well-educated, thoughtful, nice, giving, a great cook, among many other things.

In the past year, I've been called a great guy, an asshole, a great fuck, great cook, tries too hard, goofy, and an asshole (multiple people lol).

I get caught up in perceptions and what people will think of me so much that I forget to just live. I am happy for today.

10000 + 49

2010-01-22T20:39:00.005-06:00

2010-01-11T12:34:00.001-06:00

whose your favourite blogger?

It would have to be the Food Whore. She's no longer writing but her stories would crack me up. Also, my aunt is pretty bad ass at blogging.

Gay blogs would be: towleroad.com & Kenneth in the 212.

Design blogs would be: apartment therapy & arch daily.

Photo Blogs: the big picture (boston.com)

Ask me anything

2010-01-11T11:49:00.003-06:00

2010-01-06T13:54:00.004-06:00

Click here to ask me anything. I will respond to any and all questions (and post some here if they're good...) as this seems to be popular these days.

My 2-year anniversary

2009-12-31T17:43:00.004-06:00

Today celebrates 2 years of writing this blog. It was about this time of day and I felt spent and confused and sad and curious about what the world had to offer. Every year I have the time after Christmas and before New Years to reflect and look at my life.

I'm kind of sad today, but it's a relatively low-grade sadness. I'm more sad that I'm gonna spend tonight alone. I'm still dating CW (actually been going strong, like 12 dates in haha) and it's good but he went out of town to spend some time with his old friends. It's cool because I'm poor and wasn't able to go this time.

I'm going to change my financial situation, take chances, cry more, laugh more, enjoy my friends more, watch less tv, watch less porn, focus on the interpersonal relationships, cook more, and be honest with myself. I'm probably going to get a new job in 2010 and the way things currently stand, CW and I will be boyfriends by the middle of next month. I truly enjoy my apartment and think I will stay here a long while (if I stay in OKC). China is out. I reached 16 of my 20 2009 goals (quasi-resolutions) and I will continue working on these into 2010.

I make mistakes sometimes and I fall short of my goals often but someday I will be successful. Is it weird that I feel better going into 2010 because I have a new truck and a new guy going forward?

My boys the Sooners did great today vs. Stanford and won a hard fought (and seemingly rigged by the officials) bowl game! Boomer Sooner!

SNOWNAMI 2009!

2009-12-26T09:30:00.003-06:00

What a way to end the decade. The aughts was the decade from HELL!

Anyway, I survived the blizzard of 09 at my parents house. I came out on Wednesday before the weather arrived and have been cooped up with my family since then. We got about 14 inches here (OKC is paralyzed with about 2 inches) so you can only imagine how rough it's been (5 deaths, 500 injuries, 1000 car accidents). It was a very nice (and my first white) Christmas.

I got some sweaters, socks, gloves, a jacket, cologne, cookware, and a new truck. It has been the best and most practical Christmas ever! I'm very excited about all of it!!

Anyway, just wanted to update the world about my adventures in Snow. Pictures coming soon.

I Don't Know

2009-12-21T14:01:00.002-06:00

who that Debbie Downer was in my last few posts but I apologize on his(her) behalf. It was a moment of temporary overwhelming sadness and I haven't seen that in a long time (or since).

This month has been a busy one. Holiday parties, dressing to the T's, drinking til I can't see straight, holiday parties, cooking, football, snuggling, wine, beer, shivering, wine, holiday parties, shopping. And that's not even considering the opening at work that happened last Thursday. Needless to say I've been busy busy!

I've also started seeing a guy (nick)named CW. He's incredibly sweet, grad student, 24, shorter than me, and a GREAT cuddler! We've been on 3 dates and so far it's been awesome. He's a dog person, a Scorpio, and likes that I can cook. We kind of just melt into each other when we see each other. It's kind of awesome and I can't wait to see where it will go.

I feel the sentiment of this article totally. It's been one Hell of a decade, both personally (losing my 3 remaining grandparents, coming out, etc) and communally (gwb, 9/11, Katrina, Iraq, Afghanistan, codified hatred in our legislation, etc.). I'm looking forward to 2010, not for the change of a decade (as the past two changes haven't been anything much) but for the opportunities that the next decade will bring.

New jobs, new loves, new cities, new travels, new technology, new equalities, new knowledge! I just can't believe I will have lived in 4 decades as of Jan. 1, 2010 (80s, 90s, 00s, 10s)!!

Alone

2009-12-14T13:26:00.002-06:00

I don't know why I feel a barrage of negativity today but it might be because I'm always alone.
I sleep alone
I wake alone
I drive alone
I work alone
I eat alone
I watch tv alone

I'm just fucking sick of this bullshit that is life.

I suck

2009-12-14T10:57:00.003-06:00

I've got a lot more work to do. I was going through this phase of happiness that I didn't know where it was coming from and now I'm down and negative again and I don't know what changed. I got called out on it and feel like shit now. I don't really need encouragement here, just knowledge of how I can get back to being happy.

Last MAPS3 Post...Maybe?

2009-12-13T13:34:00.004-06:00

Okay I keep saying that I'll stop talking about MAPS3 but I'm still so intrigued with it. Here is the link to how OKC voted. I was surprised how many outlying areas voted against it. Anyway, I think it's such a big project that I still want to be involved with it.

I've applied to be on the citizen advisory board to be in charge of doling out the money for projects...the city has processed my application and I hope that I get chosen (there's a total of 6 positions available) so my odds are very slim. It's all a waiting game. I still think that being involved is important regardless of my opposition. I can at least promise that I will be well informed and as a ~~minority class~~ young gay, I'd definitely have the ability to make sure things are done correctly and not waste money.

Dual Paths

2009-12-10T11:28:00.003-06:00

I feel as if I'm trying to go down dual paths right now. It's a feeling I've had many times before, and I'm not sure if I'm being subconsciously indecisive or just plain scared of forward progress.

I'm feeling sad, scared, lonely, cold and anxious about the future, yet I'm also hopeful, excited, and wondering. The negative feelings come from the place that I am in now...perpetually broke, living in a rundown building, driving a potentially lethal car, barely making enough to pay my bills every month, and seeing all of my friends/family/coworkers make more than I do. I know it's been a lesson in humility which has been ~~nice~~ trying but I'm ready to have more to work with. Some money in the bank would be wonderful to even keep me from being flat broke. My bank account hovers around $.01 all the time. (I know life isn't about money, it's about loving those around us and having fun in the mean time. Money is just the lubricant to make life a bit easier).

On the flip side of that, I sent my vision statement (and resume) to my buddy in China yesterday and haven't yet heard back from him...halfway around the world, It's insane that I sent it to him there!

Here is my vision:
We live in a dynamic world where the opportunities and chances we take today can have a great impact on the future that we create. I have always been driven to challenge the norms, to push for innovation, and to create efficiencies wherever possible. In every scenario, I have done these things. I’ve questioned protocols to check to see if they could be improved; I’ve streamlined processes to help the office become more productive. I constantly have ideas on what’s next and I am an asset to any team.
Working in the non-profit realm, I also have a strong sense of community and helping others. I work at an art gallery/community school of the arts and the greatest thing about my job is that I get to empower creativity on a daily basis.
I want to continue this trajectory of investment in the lives of those around me and change the world in the process. I want to make it more efficient, practical, smarter, and safer. I also want to make lots of money so I can invest in the next generation, and I want to create something tangible to cherish.
I’d like to look back at my life and know that I perpetuated an idea that revolutionized the way we build X or create Y. Along with creating deep and long lasting relationships, I’d like for that to be my largest accomplishment and gift to the world.

10000 + Pictures

2009-12-10T07:42:00.004-06:00

So I turned 10000 at midnight! YAY! They say the average American lives between 27-30 K days, so I'm about 1/3 through life. I feel as its the beginning of a new chapter and that I've been preparing for it for a while now. (some historic cultures believe that you don't really leave adolescence until age 27 or so).

This is my Christmas tree. A reimagined structure using Fir boughs and a pot to put it in.

This is the picture of my mantel...Christmas did blow up in my living room.

It also has the picture from my paternal grandmother, and an ornament from my maternal grandmother.

9999

2009-12-09T13:26:00.002-06:00

Today is the last day I will be in 4-digit life. Tomorrow I will be into my 10,000th day, which is a fun feat. It would be cool if people celebrated each thousand days rather than every 365, because it allows for more growth, learning, and understanding of the world.

MAPS3 passed. I was gracious in the loss but understand that to get the glam you've gotta get the grit.

Tonight's the fall-finale of Glee and I'm excited to see it but sad to have to wait 5 months for it's return.

I'm kind of bored today at work and tired too...

Blown Away

2009-12-07T19:42:00.005-06:00

I've loved "The Battery's Down" for the entirety of the 2 seasons on YouTube and think the series finale was the most AMAZING! I've been in tears all night. Oh and BTW, Congrats to Jake Wilson for finally coming out! Here's some lyrics from that awesome episode:

"Close your eyes and it's over
Close your eyes and the moments passed
So let it all come, and let it all go
Soon it will have been too fast, too fast

[...]To celebrate life, to celebrate people,
In love, Fighting For LOVE, wasn't it always about love?
This is your life!

Eyes are fully open, darlin', but all I can see is you
Wishin' and prayin' and hopin' darlin', to find me some dream come true
And its you

This is your time, look around you
You've been so lost and it's time you found,
The thing that you want, but what do you want
Is it fame? or is it applause? No something tells me it's love
This is your life!

Eyes are fully open darlin, but all I can see is you
Wishin' and prayin' and hopin' darlin', to find me some dream come true
It's not the life I thought I'd see, but I was blind before
It's not the life I thought it would be, but no it's so much more

I vow to be there for my friends, I vow to love,
To love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love

Eyes are fully open darlin, but all I can see is you
Wishin' and prayin' and hopin' darlin', to find me some dream come true
It's not the life I thought I'd see, but I was blind before
It's not the life I thought it would be, but no it's so much more

Eyes wide open, all I see is you
Eyes wide open to a dream come true

Eyes wide open, all I see is you (This is your life, yeah it's cliche)
Eyes wide open to a dream come true (But it's all you think about all damn day)
Eyes wide open, all I see is you (So don't you go now, and throw it all away
Eyes wide open to a dream come true (All Away, This is your life)
You're gonna be okay!"

The line Soon it will have been too fast, too fast really hit me like a ton of bricks. I really want to fall in love and yet feel hopeless in that department. I guess it's always calmest before the storm. LOL (I love mixing metaphors).

Oh yeah, and one of my old college buddies offered me free rent and a great paying job if I move...to China! That would be a trip!!

Another MAPS3 Update

2009-12-03T10:52:00.001-06:00

From this story:

http://www.wbtv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11043458

So they had $7 million in revenues, made $11,000 in profit, have $38 million in debt, and are in default...Why does OKC want one of these?

I promise I will stop talking about this soon...the election is on Tuesday.

MAPS3 Update

2009-12-01T21:45:00.003-06:00

Well I went to a small meeting (with about 25 people there) and the mayor was there giving a presentation about MAPS3. I was happy that he finally gave us some more details about what will happen if it passes. I was sad that he was going about it at 25 people at a time.

I did get to ask him an important question about the convention center (the most wasteful part of the proposal) and he admitted (Thankfully!) that it wouldn't be a revenue source for the city. He admitted that it would only be balanced by the Ford Center (our NBA basketball arena) as a revenue positive site.

His proposal, while well rehearsed, only moved my positive outlook by about 10% (from 25-35%) for my vote. I'm still planning on voting no unless someone will convince me to vote yes. I am a skeptic about this proposal, and any proposal about making MAPS a perpetual tax while not addressing infrastructure issues. I was pleased to get a follow up question and overall I thought it was a good discussion. I only wish he would have spent more time taking questions rather than giving us his spiel. We are the most informed people in the area (it being a Midtown Rotary meeting).

Anyway, I was very pleased about the evening and hope that if it does pass, I will be considered for the Citizen's Oversight Board (an unconstitutional, non-binding volunteer committee supposedly going to oversee the progress of these projects).

Holidays

2009-12-01T11:40:00.005-06:00

I had a great holiday! It was 4 days filled with fun, food, football, family, friends, even Framboise (raspberry beer), and another F-word if you can believe it...I think I haven't had as whirlwind of a time in a long while. I think the most interesting thing I heard was the turkey infused with vodka.

Yesterday, I read an article about the 'turkey drop' which is the last time someone can break up with their significant other until after Vday in February. So I didn't really ponder much on it until it was 430 this morning, and I woke up to piss. (I can only imagine how funny I look with my breathe-right on my nose, my sleep mask on my eyes, and my hoodie on over my head walking around my apt in the middle of the night).

Then I couldn't get the thought out of my head that I would spend another holiday season alone, how I was a failure, and how it feels to wake up alone every morning. Well, after a 20 minute pity party, I was still tired so I decided that I wanted to get over that thought. It comes down to not worrying about things what will be will be, c'est le vie. After that I fell back to sleep and dreamed about some boys and woke up refreshed and alive. I'm looking forward to the holidays, to making this one special, and to enjoying the time that I have (for none are promised tomorrow).

Sorry to be a bit down; I'm actually feeling much better today since the sun is shining!

Memories

2009-11-24T11:15:00.002-06:00

I was just listening to an album that I put out my sophomore year of college with fond memories of times that have passed. It was a lovely a capella album from the Bison Glee Club; 14 songs and 35 male voices. Pretty Bad Ass if you ask me.

I'm ready for the holidays this year. I'm excited to have a great meal with friends and family and watch football and eat pie! I'm dreading my aunt/uncle fundies who will eat all the food (with their 3 kids under the age of 8)...could be nightmarish!

Still single. Ja2 isn't interested. He now likes a ~~coke-head~~ douche but can't see that because the guy is pretty. Anyway, no guys on the horizon. No expectations. No worries.

Watching Up

2009-11-13T09:28:00.004-06:00

I like this phase of my life. I like it that I'm emotionally stable yet able to cry when I want; I feel as if I'm not bottling things up. I do feel a bit alone sometimes, especially after watching Up last night.

It was the darkest of the Pixar films and they've gone to using a lot of silent animation (with musical interludes) as a major builder of the plot. I tend to enjoy that immensely because it makes me pay attention to the visuals (which I sometimes get distracted by my phone).

The first 20 minutes really pulled on my heart strings. I want to fall in love like that, grow up and have adventures with that person, and not know what to do with myself when they pass (after a good 45-50 years of course lol). I ended up crying throughout the movie because it was so sweet and tender and beautifully done.

I watched it with Ja2. He and I have been friends for about 2 months now and I'm unsure of where it's going. We went on a date, had a blast, and then he told me he's moving to another city/not over his ex. I back off and he seems interested. He volunteers to help me move and I blush. He falls into a crush (and tells me) with a guy who's in an LTR and I back off (he doesn't act on this crush). He calls and asks me to cook for him (again) last night so I cooked. He decided that he doesn't want to move away from a stable job and good friends. I don't know if he's looking for a friend or a bf who will cook for him lol. I'm assuming it's the former because of what I've listed here. I need someone decisive.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my current situation. I don't know why I feel alone; I'm mostly surrounded during my waking hours by people I like. I just want that sleeping connection I guess.

I enjoy typing out lyrics to songs sometimes and am pretty quirky. Some guy will fall in love with me some day lol.

P.S. Glee Rocked my Socks this week! Took me from almost blowing beer out of my nose to tears in a quick hour!

2009-11-08T20:17:00.001-06:00

Too many sausages tonight. Didn't know what to eat & what to ogle at! Too much beer doesn't help.

2009-11-07T08:06:00.001-06:00

Thinks that the 10 day salute to sausage (wurstfest in new braunfels texas) might just do me in with all its goodness! So much fun!!

2009-11-06T09:28:00.001-06:00

Its too early for that much beer & sausage!

Interesting

2009-11-03T10:33:00.003-06:00

Great op-ed in the NY Times this morning about hooking up and cell phones...Take a read.

Too bad I know from experience what he means by becoming a comparison shopper...I guess I'm today's everyman.

Anyway, I have a mouse in my apartment. It ate my bread two nights ago and moved into my chips last night. I will be getting traps today. I sprang up in my bed at 4 am to see what the hell it was and it had scampered off before I could find it. I have yet to find any droppings but I could hear the crackle of the plastic and it's amazing that a 6'3" 175# guy could be scared at a little mouse. LOL.

VACATION TOMORROW!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!

This is how bad it could have been!

2009-11-02T11:30:00.003-06:00

This was the image that I.M. Pei contrived for the future of Downtown Oklahoma City. It could look modern and space aged (e.g. The Jetsons) which was all the rage when it was designed; but I see it as a cold and square space that doesn't allow for grit and grime (read: creativity; life) in downtown at all. This is the first image I've seen and I'm so happy that the oil boom went bust in the early 80s (and kept this plan from being realized)...Only the historical buildings were destroyed.

I really hope that MAPS3 will not pass as it currently stands! Guess we'll see in December.

Now

2009-11-01T10:37:00.007-06:00

So I ended up crashing because I was way too tired to start the evening at midnight! Even with the time change, I was wiped out from the CRAZY fun mostly straight party on Friday night...

OU played well last night (they finally have settled down, too many nerves at the first part of the season EVERY SEASON!); I'm still impressed with Iowa this season (though I don't know that they could defeat a florida or texas this season). I was bummed about OSU losing to texas last night but was impressed with Penn State's win. I hope OU can get a good bowl game (like Christmas Eve or NYE!)...

I've decided that I want to go back to school and I'm going to be spending a few hours this fall figuring out the best of the choices (adulthood is about making the best choices of the worst candidates...like the 2004 election HAHA). Currently it's between furniture design, architecture and law. I've got to put it into words; I've got to decide whether I want to make a lot of money, be creative, or be poor and happy. It's hard because I truly operate out of both sides of my brain! Maybe that's why I'm indecisive...maybe it's because indecision runs in my family (both my father and dad's dad wanted more out of their careers but settled)...maybe it's because I'll have to live with that choice for a long while!

I had some weird dreams last night; one was about being at the grocery store and being mad that there was no red onions in the produce section so I was having to settle for the white ones. (I love both but wanted red for some reason LOL). The second one is a recurring dream that this girl I went to high school with (who was incredibly mean to me) and I were watching a bunch of kids...I don't know what that means but she keeps popping into my dreams. No it's not a sexual dream or anything like that. I just don't know what to make of it, but it's not a person I want to dream about. I'd rather be dreaming of a sexy man haha!

I'm going on vacation this week to Wurstfest! It's a 'Ten Day Salute to Sausage!' and I couldn't be more excited!!! Blogging will be light but I will probably be updating via phone (no computers). And no it's not the sausage I like, but I don't think the gays could go for 10 days without enhancements. This is a beer and sausage fest with a lot of German/Texan history thrown in! And I couldn't be more excited.

2009-10-31T22:17:00.001-05:00

Feeling alone tonight. Its the first in a long time that I've been alone in the evening. I'm supposed to go to a party at midnight but that seems a bit late!

2009-10-31T11:49:00.001-05:00

Rebound douchebag... I've done it again. I finally saw one of the guys who I've always liked and told him how I felt. I'm a bad dude LOL

Sigh

2009-10-28T13:16:00.002-05:00

[As a preface: it's been a rough day, and I left my coffee at home this morning...downhill from there.]

I give up. I honestly try to hard and misread signals and completely am a fuck-up. I'm sad at work (not getting paid enough and the hours/workload are increasing); I feel constantly alone; I just feel like sleeping the day away.

I went on [what I thought was] a blind date last night. We had an enjoyable evening, quick dinner and a double feature of Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D! We got to chatting during dinner and what I thought was a sign that he was possibly attracted to me was just a miscue (I assume). We held hands during the movies (as I always do, regardless of who I'm watching it with) and then afterward, he stated (in a text nonetheless) that he just wanted to be friends.

I gotta give him slack though because he is newly single, only 20, and hasn't had a whole lot of experience in the dating world. Of course I had ran many scenarios in my head and realized that it was probably for the best if we did just hang out and be friends. I'm just sick of being everyone's friend. I'm sick of being everyone's back up plan or second choice. I'm sick of being the rebound guy and I fucking am sick of having to play 20 questions over and over. I'm just done with dating. blah.

Broken?

2009-10-27T09:31:00.002-05:00

I went to bed last night feeling like I had broken something very special. A vessel that only maybe can be repaired in some way that I have no way of knowing. I feel like I've had a broken heart for a while now (actual physical pain), and I don't know if I need to go to the doctor or if it's all psychosomatic. I have been sleeping well though, which is a positive sign that I'm not dealing with too much anxiety or stress.

Part of the reason I'm feeling this way (broken heart) is when I start to like a guy, we will meet and hang out, we will chat and [as part of our checking them out] we ask our friends what they know about that person.

I guess I pissed someone off; I guess I broke someone's heart; I guess I'm a slut/gossip/bad kisser/lover/hater/whatever, cause guys have been dropping me left and right.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it; maybe these guys are more interested in someone else. Obviously, they aren't right for me right now, but it's hard. I don't want to have to build up a positive reputation and get my karma back flowing in the right direction because I've invested too much early on.

Don't put your eggs all in one basket.

I don't know what I did.

Bashing

2009-10-21T17:17:00.003-05:00

There was another gay bashing this last weekend, this time in Tulsa. 2 women and one man attacked a gay man with hateful language, a knife, and their mouths (she bit him); luckily he only sustained minor injuries and was able to get to help before bleeding too much. He has alerted the press (which has done a reasonable bit) about it, and Facebook is all a buzz about it. It's just sad hearing about this continual abuse and not knowing what to do about it.

I WON'T LIVE IN FEAR!
I WON'T COWER IN SILENCE!
I WILL STAND UP! AND FIGHT IN THE HALLS OF JUSTICE, IN THE LEGISLATURE, & THE DWELLING BETWEEN PEOPLES' EARS! THAT IS WHERE CHANGE MUST OCCUR! WHERE IT MUST HAPPEN (AND SOON!)

Last Night's Supper

2009-10-21T10:01:00.003-05:00

To steal a title from another great blog, I'm writing about what I made for supper last night. It was one of the best meals I've ever cooked and I couldn't ask for better company (friend). BTW, this has nothing to do with yesterday's big decision.

I made turkey chili, bacon cornbread, and salad with 2 kinds of homemade dressing.

These were all pretty simple and I was able to present the entire meal quickly and while it was piping hot.

The Turkey Chili
1 lb. ground turkey
1/4 lb. pepper bacon
1/2 white onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, small dice
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can Rotel tomatoes/green chilies
1 can tomato sauce
1 can black beans
1 package of chili seasoning

I started with chopping the uncooked bacon into small bite-sized pieces, placed it in the pan with some olive oil and let it render. After it started to brown, I removed the bacon, leaving the heated oil in the pan. I added the onions and garlic and let them sizzle for a bit until they turned clear. I removed them with a serrated spoon and left the now yummy smelling oil on the stove and added the ground turkey until it was mostly cooked. During this time I drained the liquid from the Rotel and diced tomatoes into the pot with the turkey to help the flavors start blending. I then drained the liquid off (once the turkey was cooked) and added a bit of olive oil to make sure it didn't stick. Then, basically all of the other ingredients (minus the bacon) were dumped into the pot with a bit of water and I put the lid on it and let everything come to a boil. I let the flavors meld and stirred it often so it wouldn't stick. I served it hot with a dollop of sour cream on top and it was YUMMY!!

The bacon cornbread was a simple cornbread mix with the cooked bacon added in. It added a certain savory flavor and a nice crunch. I don't add much to cornbread, but I will definitely keep this in mind for the next time I make it.

The two salad dressings were a simple vinaigrette and a blue cheese dressing. The vinaigrette was olive oil, balsamic and spices whisked together. The blue cheese was mayo, milk, sour cream, and some leftover blue cheese crumbled together with some salt and pepper.

The night was enjoyable; the beer perfectly matched the mood (bud light wheat with lemon), and the food was delicious. Hope you take something from these recipes and make them your own!!!

BIG QUESTION!

2009-10-20T11:11:00.001-05:00

Should I take a big risk and possibly get fired (or possibly promoted)? DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

My Weekend

2009-10-19T10:05:00.005-05:00

Well I had an amazing weekend with friends and some new acquaintances...It started on Thursday night with the opening at work, and while it was a little under attended and sales were slow, people were friendly and it was nice to see everyone out and about. I had had a long day so I called a friend to come over and hang out for a bit. He was a bit tired but decided it would be relaxing for both of us to see each other...

So Friday was a good day; I worked and then went and hung out with my neighbors and we had pizza & wine! They are a trip and we always have a fun time hanging out. It's amazing how you can get to know new people in such a short amount of time.

Saturday I woke up bright an early knowing that it would be a fun/football filled day. As stated in an earlier post, I didn't have cable or internet so I was a bit pissed because I like on Weekend mornings to watch [usually] tv with my coffee. I got out of the house around 11 and went to my friend Annah's house to go to some estate sales. We both had plans for later in the day so we wanted to be quick about it. The two houses had some good finds for cheap so I spent a bit of cash on books and pottery (my two things I buy when out there).

At 2pm I was scheduled to meet my friend Ashley (boy) to go shooting at the firing range. It was so much fun being out there! When we arrived the place was pretty dead (because the OU/texas game was still on) but when we left it was hopping. He has a 9mm. We had a lot of fun and after taking about 15 minutes to figure out his gun, I was almost better than he was at our targets. He's had some police training and I've had NRA & Oklahoma safe hunter training so we were pretty evenly matched. I would post a picture of my final target but Ashley hasn't uploaded them yet to facebook.

So we decided it was time for beer after shooting. We went to a bar to grab some Octoberfest brews and he didn't like his (Boulevard wheat Octoberfest) but we both LOVED mine (Sam Adams Octoberfest). Of course, we couldn't find it at the liquor store because Sam Adams had already moved to their winter beer and it wasn't on the shelf. We got liquor instead.

We got fucked up on whiskey and rum. and Lays sour cream and onion chips. And that's the end of Saturday night because I crashed out on his couch. I woke up later thinking I was at home and where did this blanket come from LOL. But his neighbors had stopped by and one set was really cool; the others were kind of douchey. I was friendly with both (of course) because I'm only an ass to people that provoke me when drunk haha.

Well, I woke up early on Sunday went home showered and drank some coffee to get ready to go back to the epitome of the perfect Estate Sale up in a swanky neighborhood (with 50% off prices!)...When we got there, there was about 100 people milling around the house (including people that looked to be close to death, those with small children, and those who are too obese to get down the crowded corridors). There were a lot of great items; probably the most expensive nativity set I've ever seen (purchased by some savvy gays), a copper pot set worth about 10K, and many many many items that were very nice. I ended up spending about 15 bucks and went home this weekend with things I actually needed rather than things that would look pretty in my place (but will regardless look amazing! haha)

Well I got an early start to bed and a great start to the week ahead so hopefully it will come out as good as I'm planning it to be!

2009-10-17T10:21:00.001-05:00

Silly boy you don't have tv or internet! What shall I do?!? Its football Saturday! Haha

2009-10-14T19:55:00.001-05:00

Just ate dinner in the dark...interesting.

Over & Over

2009-10-13T10:41:00.008-05:00

I'm listing about trying to come to some conclusions of last nights events and can't help but wanting to cry. I went to one of the 130 theaters simultaneously producing "The Laramie Project: An Epilogue" and it was a beautiful event. As I sometimes do, I really got emotional thinking about the pain and noise of the event that took place just 11 short years ago. I replayed the events of Matthew Shephard last night (it being the exact moment of his death on October 12, 1998). He screamed as his body was tortured and he writhed around in pain. The force of the pistol whipping he received scattered blood over 10 yards each way from his body and his watch was found 30 yards further. Those men were predators and they got to live. He died alone, cold, and away from anyone he knew or loved.

It seems like so much has changed: Queer As Folk, Will & Grace, Brothers & Sisters, the Fight against Prop 8, the election of Barack Obama, the funding for AIDS research in Africa (Bush's one good note). But so much is left to be done: Marriage rights (repeal of DOMA), civil rights (repeal of DADT; the Matthew Shepard Act; ENDA), tax rights. I will my generation to get this done. I will fight this fight because it's not about me! I totally saw that last night when I was surrounded by college students that had no real idea about the event. I mean, Matthew Shepard was 6 years older than me but I knew his shoes (growing up in a homophobic small town where people cling to their guns, religion and drugs), and worried that my secret would come out then and I would end up like him.

I do recognize that it was a hate crime and there's much work to do on that, regardless of the killers intention (or subsequent statements). But it's got to be about the next generation. WE HAVE to fight for them. We have to make it safe for them to be actualized as healthy, productive, safe adults so there must be less room in our lives for hate and more room for love. I've been blessed with more days on this earth and yet have done less, and for that I'm ashamed. Maybe I should keep with my small part and keep at it.

Some Chris Garneau Lyrics:

Not my fault, you said so oh
You said it over and over
It's not my fault, you said so oh
You said it over and over

Now I'm in this thing, this fucking thing,
I'm stuck over and over
Yeah I'm in this thing, this fucking thing
It's happening over and over

When you give me things, they make me sad
You give them over and over
I can't feel the days, but I'd like to say
Remember the days when we used to

But I don't feel them over and over

Not my fault, you said so oh
You said it over and over
It's not my fault, you said so oh
You said it over and over

Now I'm in this thing, this fucking thing,
It's happening over and over
Yeah I'm in this thing, this fucking thing,
I'm STUCK over and over

When you give me things, they make me sad
You give them over and over
I can't feel the days, but I'd like to, say
Remember the days when we used to

But I don't feel them over and over
We're Rockers, Anyway
Just skin and bones, good hair, good clothes
and that's how it goes, we've got sweet little toes

And it's all la la la la up to me now
There's a lot of work work work to do
And it's all la la la la up to me now
Leave me be be be be be I am through

2009-10-12T20:10:00.003-05:00

(2 of 2) time! Its our time for action!

2009-10-12T20:10:00.001-05:00

(1 of 2) Live theater prodution with tweet-up and readings nationwide. Its intermission and I haven't felt this blessed to be a part of something in a long

2009-10-12T20:09:00.001-05:00

I'm at The Laramie Project: 10 years later, the Epilogue. Its a 100~

Awkward! etc

2009-10-10T12:56:00.005-05:00

So I am sittin at home on this cold autumn morning, getting ready to watch football and pleasuring myself with some porn on the computer...a little background, I just moved into a quad-plex with a common entrance downstairs with 1 great neighbor and one that's a bit annoying..

Well the hot, straight(-ish), hipster neighbor (great one!) walks upstairs and offers me some scones he made and luckily I had sweat pants on and a t-shirt that covered things but I'm not sure if he saw what I was packing...We chatted for about 15 minutes and I have a feeling we're gonna be good friends. I just felt a bit awkward being hard when he came up..We shall see..

In other news, last night's Gala was a lot of fun and moving with good speeches and awards given to deserving people. I really hope to do big things in my life so maybe I should watch less porn and get out there and do something. *I'm not a second class citizen. (*theme of the National Equality March this weekend). BIG party tonight...will be fun and a hot tub good time...

I still need to paint and hang art but I broke my hammer building my friends deck and I can't get paint until I get paid.

2 Things

2009-10-08T21:25:00.003-05:00

First, I'm trying to figure out whether I should build or buy a couple of benches for my dining room table. I have an odd sized table and want to do benches but they are either too short or way too expensive for my taste...I've looked at all of my favorite stores online (west elm, CB2, Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, Ikea) and have had no luck as of yet. I guess I need to check out the Target site.

Second, tonight is the first night since I've moved into the new place that I haven't had plans in the evening. It's weird to me because I've gotten used to having people around so much. I mean it's only day 9 but still it's weird. I do really enjoy the place and can't wait to put more of my stamp on it. Once I paint walls & get art hung, I'll post some pics. I'm quite impressed with the place so far.

Busy weekend ahead; will post updates from the phone as I can.

2009-10-04T21:50:00.001-05:00

Why is it rob lowe can play the biggest d-bag & yet still be the hero of the episode?

2009-10-04T02:24:00.001-05:00

Loves fireworks at 224am in the neigborhoodin October.

2009-09-28T23:30:00.001-05:00

I'm a bit drunk from wine & packing my aparmtnet. Cest' la vie.

GLEE

2009-09-23T20:17:00.002-05:00

IT's true that I love this show! I watched the pilot like 7 times over the course of the summer and have loved every episode since!

So cute!

I was in Glee Club in college and I MISS it fully! I loved it and absolutely wish I could go back. It was actually an all male a capella group but with 4-8 parts singing. It was amazing and we recorded a cd and it was really great. It comes up on my iPod still almost daily...

My Response to MAPS3

2009-09-20T10:09:00.004-05:00

I am excited about most of these proposals, as I know every city benefits from improved public transportation (and being a car city, sidewalks & bike paths are important to the well being of pedestrians/bikers). I think a focused and well designed light-rail system would dramatically alter and improve our city (which is what the MAPS program is all about!).

Oklahoma City is infamous for destroying its older buildings for the promise of a newer, prettier city. In the 1970s, Oklahoma City hired I. M. Pei to help design a master plan known as 'Urban Redevelopment' here and the result was 50-60% of the buildings in downtown were destroyed to make room for parking lots. This included historic theaters, housing, city owned buildings, and a YWCA building that was a crown jewel of OKC. It was a tragedy for our city, for which only one was worse. From I.M. Pei's plan, we got a convention center and a botanical garden center that had a great modern design. I don't want a newer, prettier city. I want a place that has a history and a story! I want a place that's a bit gritty and allows for some adventure!

My issues with our current proposal are the park, the new convention center, and the improvements to the fairgrounds.

1) The park would destroy a lot of historic buildings and is expanding the city core when the core is still maturing. I'm afraid that it's taking energy (and money) away from proven successful neighborhoods that need a little bit more to arrive. These neighborhoods need more rentals (both residential and commercial) and streetscape investment. I'm speaking specifically about Midtown, Automobile Alley, Deep Deuce, and upper Bricktown. There are also buildings on the register of historic buildings that would go. While I do think a central park that leads to the river is great, they could create a bunch of public spaces that are square blocks (like they do in London!) and people would enjoy them more because they would be close. As it is, one has to take a car to the park, so we might as well make them closer to where we live.

2) There has been a large drop off of conventions after the recession started nationwide and our current convention center would be rendered obsolete if we were to build the new one. They remodeled our current one back in the late 90s (MAPS1) and it is now close to 40 years old. Why create a hole in the middle of downtown to spread it out?

3)The fairgrounds already gets our hotel/motel tourism tax so why should we invest any more public money in it? They have had tens of millions to improve and thankfully they have built new facilities and upgraded others. I think in the next 5-10 years they should be able to complete the renovations that have been going on for 10 years.

Overall, I think it's a great proposal and I hope the city council votes to move forward on most of the ideas. I do hope that they will listen to what the citizens are saying and not just to the mayor and the chamber of commerce.

2009-09-19T14:30:00.001-05:00

At the OU/Tulsa game! BOOMER SOONER!!

MAPS3 Proposals & Thoughts

2009-09-17T12:23:00.002-05:00

Below is the list of the proposed changes to OKC to be voted on in 3 months by our citizens. We've had 2 relatively successful programs of revitalization over the past 16 years so I hope this one can live up to the standards of those.

The first was to revitalize our downtown area by creating tourist attractions and bringing business back to the core of the city. The aftermath of the Oklahoma City bombing played a large role in this because of all of the federal dollars being invested in the area as well. The second MAPS project has yet to fully play out because they are still constructing new schools for all of OKC's schoolchildren.

The list is as follows:

-A new, approximately 70-acre central park linking the core of downtown with the Oklahoma River
-A new rail-based streetcar system, plus potential funding for other rail transit initiatives, such as commuter lines and a transit hub
-A new downtown convention center
-Sidewalks to be placed on major streets and near facilities used by the public throughout the City
-57 miles of new public bicycling and walking trails throughout the City
-Improvements to the Oklahoma River, including a public whitewater kayaking facility and upgrades intended to achieve the finest rowing racecourse in the world
-State-of-the-art health and wellness aquatic centers throughout the City designed for senior citizens
-Improvements to the Oklahoma State Fairgrounds

It seems like we're forcing this one. The previous ones have been so much more organic.

FB/FB/FB!

2009-09-05T15:51:00.002-05:00

Today has been a great day so far. Talked to both parents, now I'm watching Football (FB). I've been chatting on Facebook today (FB) and it's been quite a good day. Also, drinking beer and a f*ck buddy wants me to come over...(FB). So We shall see how the rest of the day plays out. I'd rather be dating a guy and have a bf but for now I don't want to settle on being celibate. I don't like adding to my numbers (of who I've slept with) but what am I to do? It's a tenuous situation I guess.

BOOMER SOONER!

2009-09-03T22:05:00.001-05:00

Watching uo vs. bsu. I don't like either one but its football!!!

What I did over on My Summer Break

2009-09-02T10:39:00.006-05:00

LOL kids, I feel like it's been a hot minute since I've even thought about this blog. It was nice getting comments over the summer but I was going through some stuff (as we all are all the time), both good and bad. It's amazing how I've missed writing (even in an online quasi-anonymous journal format) and how I've got to start doing so again to get in a better habit of it.

I think we spend our teens figuring out what we are and our twenties figuring out who we are. I do so much soul searching, you'd think it's pristine and well organized. I've been finding myself and sometimes that scares me because I'm powerful beyond my wildest beliefs.

Anyway, this summer brought a lot of fun opportunities and neat people into my life. The majority of June was spent working really hard 5 days a week and playing really hard 2.5 days a week (overlaps are fun!). Pride came and went (as usual) and I met a guy. (I actually met about 50 guys but one caught my eye).

His name was Ja (not to be confused with JH, who I still love but there's lots of stories about that). Well Ja and I dated for about a month (the sex was great, the conversation was better haha) and then he decided that he didn't want a relationship, it hindered his style, and that his schedule and mine didn't mesh well enough to date. It was great while it lasted, I met (and made friends with) his friends and he met a few of mine. Great, except he got a new boyfriend the next week (I found out at a party he'd invited me to nonetheless). Well, I was pissed for a few days and went through the hurt/pain/pity party again and then I realized that his breaking up with me wasn't about me. It was about him and his nature and that made everything better (and THEN Ja's best friend came up to me and told me that Ja wanted to get back together with me and was afraid of it turning into something real! *GASP!*) Well, I just let sleeping dogs lie and didn't bother trying to cause any drama.

So, JH and I haven't spoken much lately because he got a girl pregnant when he returned home from Iraq. (well he thinks he did, they still need a paternity test). We still write when we can and I'm thinking about going to visit him (he lives in West Texas) during our mutual football game in November.

I've been dabbling in dating a little bit lately (the breakup happened a month ago) but I'm just not feeling it right now. I hate having to go on so many first dates and it's really ridiculous to have to meet people and go through the 50 questions with each (and try to remember their responses). So I'm focusing on my friends and work.

The family is good, work is good (finally got moved into a new office after 4 months of working in a storage closet), although I am searching for a new job (either here in OKC or elsewhere). I am also trying to find a place to live that's cheaper than my current place because I was told I wouldn't be getting a raise this year. That really sucks because I'm the only single income person at my organization. So moving is the key word for fall 09! I say this every year (since like 04 HAHAHAHA) so we shall see what comes of it all.

I also ran into some friends of my old roommate and have been dealing with a lot of baggage that I thought I had buried..so the drama of it all has really been draining. But I've made some great new friends otherwise so I'm happy on that front.

Football season starts in 3 days!!! I couldn't be more excited!! Talk to you all soon.

Cinco de Mayo

2009-05-05T13:40:00.003-05:00

Geez, it's been a hot while since I've updated. I know the 4 readers I had previously are now probably down to one lol, sorry. Working too much is to blame.

3 things:

1) I'm incredibly frustrated with work today. It just seems like everything I do is completely scrutinized and I feel like I'm going above and beyond the call of duty...My boss just has these completely ridiculous scruples for me to follow.

2) "working a buzz into my prostate" was a phrase I had often read/heard in porn but never had it happened to me until last Thursday night...wow is all I can say.

3) Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Wow!

2009-04-03T10:55:00.002-05:00

I know by now it's old news but the world just got a bit brighter. After our stunning and sad defeat in California last fall, I had little hope for marriage in any more states this year. But the Iowa (IOWA of all places!!!) Supreme Court just announced that banning gay marriage was unconstitutional on the basis of Equal Protection. This will be monumental and really surge our movement forward.

Join the Impact!

I wanna Dance!

Anchors and Demons

2009-04-01T21:40:00.004-05:00

I'm coming to terms with a lot of heavy issues in my life right now. something that's weighed on my heart for a long time. It's about anchors. I have a tendency to think about this often as I guess I have this deep seeded need to find an anchor in my life.

I've gone so far as to be disappointed with people when they don't live up to my made-up standards because I wanted to find consistency in them. I guess there's 2 lessons in that. First, people are irrational, inconsistent beings with immense ability to do many things. Second, Why in the hell do I create these standards that can't possibly be lived up to? I do it to myself and to others.

I guess that's why I always feel lost and alone. It's because I'm looking for an anchor and can't find one. It's a reason why I'm still single (no one wants to take on a basket case such as myself); besides that, I am clingy. I've had many anchors in life and they are never sufficient: religion, parents, friends, jobs, alcohol, porn, sex, drugs, rock n roll, et al.

I don't know what to say or how to respond or even how to learn out of this. I guess I'm just awash in emotions because everything has been a little bit off since I got this new job. I work way too much and have very little personal time (to run errands, to see friends or family, or to even do something I want to do). I did pay off my car, and I'm about to pay off another credit card so it's helping, all the while unsustainable. I need a good drink, a good cry, and a good fuck (hopefully not all at the same time.)

On a lighter and much happier note, Chris Garneau announced that he's coming out with his second album in July! Just in time for my birthday! YAY!

Where was I?

2009-03-17T20:50:00.003-05:00

Oh yeah, lol, well OU lost on Thursday night in a very close (and underplayed by OU) basketball game. I almost got punched because when I was in line for beer with my friend Annah, this guy cut and when I called him out on it, he completely went off on me. I just rolled my eyes and turned around and then he started yelling at Annah (who actually knew him even though he was from the other school). It was ridiculous and I'm sure he felt like an asshole when he realized who he was talking to. I guess it's good to know good people (Annah is definitely one of them); we had fun at the game overall.

Friday was a stressful day at work and I really just felt under supported and overstretched by my coworkers (especially since it's not even my department under deadline). I ended up staying there for over 2 hours beyond my usual schedule. But the day quickly turned around when I went to a wine/dinner party at my friends house. We caught up (he and his bf got a puppy, so cute) after not seeing each other in almost 2 months. We each finished a bottle (or 3) and had a blast, going out to the bars (this is where things get a bit blurry)...

...As it turns out, I have about 4 or 5 dates* coming up from that night. I guess I was feeling confident and definitely talked up a few of the guys I've been crushing on for a long time. Who knew?
* One of these dates is actually with a straight-identified guy who I worked on a campaign with last fall. He's cute and we'll have fun drinking scotch and watching movies.

Saturday I laid low to recover and prepare for the upcoming week. Basically wrapped up all of the loose ends from Friday night (calling back those guys I got dates with and trying to get those set up lol).

I worked on Sunday and Monday way too much (19 hours overall) while fighting off a cold and ended up staying home today because my head cold moved to my chest...so I'm recovering from my recovery. My boss thought I was retaliating from her yelling at me yesterday (and while that would be fun/nice, it's not true. I feel like shit so I guess it's all on her). It seems that I get sick on holidays lol, I wonder why.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!
(Pinch me, I haven't worn green all day.)

LOVE This VIDEO!!

2009-03-12T15:43:00.003-05:00

Ok so I'm definitely a gay, cause I love this new video. I can definitely empathize with it (who doesn't have two sides??)

watch here

Enjoy!

I'm off to the Big 12 Men's Basketball tonight. No Work tonight!!

Gettin Out

2009-03-11T13:25:00.002-05:00

I've been working so much lately that I've been craving a vacation. Or a move. Or something as yet to be named. I really want to get out and explore the world a bit more than I have recently (sticking only to the regional areas around Oklahoma, and Chicago).

I'm working 13 hour days just to pay the bills and with the second job, I'm really trying to get ahead (or out of the hole). I'm ready to move on, and maybe this blog can help me move to that next chapter.

There's a house that I've been looking at and while it would be lovely to purchase, I don't want those kind of commitments until I find out where I'm supposed to settle. I keep looking at maps and find cities that I know I would love to live in. Chicago, Portland & Austin are topping the list right now. Each have great food culture, great shopping, and I would like to think a good job market, but who knows in this economy...

So my question to the world: Is it a good time to be thinking about a big move?

Weekend Redux

2009-03-10T16:37:00.003-05:00

Well, I had a crazy busy weekend! Friday night I volunteered at an opening called Momentum: Art Doesn't Stand Still, which is a large gallery opening for artists under the age of 30. I hope next year I try to get into that show. Here is a fun picture of me that night:

* My[straight, married] friend Stephen and I in the photobooth. We were drunk and having a fun time lol. Not to be confused with the other S who I went on a date with on Saturday.

Saturday was a crazy day filled with bank trips, estate sales, sushi at Cao Nguyen, laundry, and lots of other little errands. As many of you well know, Saturday night was my date with S. It was quite an interesting evening. We went to this new Mexican restaurant, had a great conversation, and ate a delicious meal. He started to feel ill about 85% through the date, so he went home while I went on to the birthday party that we were supposed to go to together. I wasn't sure whether to think he was acting sketchy or not but I don't know how much more I can take of it all. (this has happened to me in the past and is quite ridiculous; guys just be honest if you're not interested!) We've texted once since then but nothing major to report. I didn't even get a goodnight kiss, so I'm not really sure that I want to pursue anything. Let it find you, stop looking is what is reverberating in my head right now. I'm just gonna let go of it all and wait until something good comes my way.

Sunday had me waking up at 5am (really 6 but with the time change it felt like 5), was at work at 7, and was driving people to the airport for the majority of the day...such is the life of a valet/bellboy/courtesy driver. I haven't made much money this week and I'm exhausted (and my bum knee is acting up because I hit it on Sunday) so I'm a bit in the gutter and trying to stay positive about it all. I hate it that I can't portray how I really feel sometimes because people don't like to see someone that's down, but I don't want to feel negative about situations even though I'm just looking through them with an objective eye.

This Weekend!

2009-03-06T15:10:00.002-06:00

This weekend is gonna be fun!! I'm going to an all under 30 artists art show tonight with a lot of my friends and then tomorrow night is the big DATE with S. He's really cute and I'm trying to play it cool (but suck at playing it cool, so I might just be myself lol), because he's a really nice sweet guy. Sunday is a cacophony of events, starting with a possible shift at 7am, then lunch at the parents, then dinner with some friends. I'm also supposed to go shopping at an estate sale tomorrow afternoon so what it boils down to is that I will be as exhausted as I am now on Monday!! [yay]

Mood: Excited and hopeful!

Check my site out!

2009-03-05T16:20:00.006-06:00

Ever since I started this site, I've had some items that automatically update on here. Please take a moment to check out the starred items on the right hand column. It's updated almost hourly (when I'm awake LOL) because I find a lot of blog posts that intrigue, inspire, or turn me on...One never knows what they might find!

Also I have my most recent twitter updates on there and they are usually pretty funny.

I'm in a bit of a funk today, and I don't want to be. I'm working another 11+ hour day at work and I guess I'm exhausted meets anxious meets nervous. I'm anxious because I've got bills to pay and haven't had a chance to make it to the bank yet, and nervous because I have a date with a HOT guy that I've had a crush on for over 3 months...Don't screw it up Dane!

Wow I suck!

2009-03-02T15:31:00.005-06:00

Sorry, with all of my financial woes and work schedule, I've been too busy to update. I'm having a slow day at work today so it's all working out.

I had to get a second job (which I think I previously mentioned). I'm now working as a valet at a swanky hotel in OKC. It's nice, people just give me money for doing not very much. I need just a little bit more cash because while I love working at the non-profit I work, I need some more cash to get by. I know I'm consistently underemployed but with 2 jobs I can finally dig out of debt. Isn't that a sad state to be in (in the grand scheme of things)?

It's definitely cut into my personal life but I find that with less free time, I'm able to cherish my time off a bit better. I've gotten more productive when I'm off work (and this is officially the most boring post ever). And I finally got my bank account fixed after almost a month of overdraft fees/the bank fucking me over.

I thought about it and I didn't have sex for an entire month! February at that! I don't know whether to cry or celebrate that. I know I'm on a trajectory for greatness, whether it be at a career I love or in a relationship that is beautiful. I have hope. All I need is faith lol.

Anyway, it's amazing the tapestries we weave in life. On Saturday night, I parked a couple that I used to serve when I was a bartender (regulars), parked a guy I went to HS with, and parked a couple that used to be my neighbors. I guess it should just remind me of how small the world (and subsequently OKC) is.

I think that's about all. I'm thinking about new career paths so that I can finally reach my potential. JH leaves Iraq in 2 days! I'm so happy for him. I also have a date tonight...YAY for blind dates.

An Epiphany

2009-02-08T14:25:00.002-06:00

I realized something about myself this morning. It came as a thought I've never had but wondered about many times in my life.

I don't have space for a relationship in my life.

I haven't made room for guys to come into my life. I like things the way they are in my apartment and even having a sleepover is something that is not only stressful but I feel puts me out of sorts. It's a weird feeling but I've had it so many times in my life. I'm comfortable with my friends coming over and such but I'm afraid that I've built a lot of walls around that.

I thought I had come to terms with walls many years ago, but I guess I haven't. I'm just worried about being vulnerable. It scares me.

Yet, my walls are safe. They are secure. They are known. I think that's what gets me. I don't let guys in, or I let them in too quickly and they get frightened or what they want and ditch me. I guess I still need some time to work on things.

Ever since 2005, I've had this [false] thought that I'm some how enlightened and that the problem was with other guys. I don't know why I thought this but I did go through a whole process of self reflection. Maybe I need to repeat that process.

I am sad though that I can't seem to get over myself.

Affirmative Action Irony?

2009-02-06T20:36:00.003-06:00

I just had to call an automated customer service center, and in that call I noticed something I've rarely heard. The guy's voice (first of all, who uses a guy in an automated call) had a speech impediment. And I'm not one to make fun of people for their handicaps, but I found it interesting and it definitely made me listen to the options a bit closer.

All of his P's were double pronounced, so it was just interesting. I know I definitely can't make fun because I can't leave a voicemail without sounding like a goof or have as my outgoing message anything other than stupidity.

Feb Update

2009-02-05T14:10:00.000-06:00

Ok so I haven't updated in a few days, but there's definitely news!

My work put on one of the best parties I've seen in a long time last Friday. It was a great fundraiser and I really enjoyed it.

JH is coming home!! I'm so excited! I can't wait to see him (although it might be 2 months). He's been stationed in Southern Iraq for about 6 months now and is part of the new president's the draw down plan.

My bank account is well overdrawn (close to $400)...and I didn't know how to fix it other than getting a second job! Anyone that knows me knows that I'm someone that doesn't enjoy debt and I like my free time. Who knew those went hand in hand??

So I'm going to be a valet at a swanky hotel here in Oklahoma City. The pay is good, I really won't have to do much, and they will work with me for my current job. Everyone I've told is pretty excited about it too.

I've met a few guys lately; mostly re meeting them from past encounters such as parties or the bars. It's quite enjoyable because I'm feeling a bit more assertive in my approach to them. I haven't been having sex (victory!) or even really going on dates as of late (no time due to work), but it's good to be reminded that guys might be thinking about you because you chatted with them in person a few days back. I have done followup contacts (where I usually get into trouble), but I think I'm getting the hang of it all.

Does the Obama administration seem to feel like the West Wing series to anyone else? It just seems like it's setting up like the first few seasons of that show (which I loved and thought was prematurely ended; they could have transitioned with a new cast pretty easily). My thoughts on the comparisons are:
1) highly intelligent and great communicator president
2) an early vacancy in the Supreme Court
3) early rifts with the VP who shoots from the hip too often
4) can't get traction on early agenda items

I'm just saying it's an amateur comparison, but I hope that he'll do as well as the fictional character did.