Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Rehab

I've spent the last two days detoxing from an incredibly stressful and eventful past 10 days or so. I was so busy with work, events, friends going away parties, and life in general my sleep was off, my work was poor, and my time management at home had gone to shit. I felt like something was off after CW and I ended things and it still feels a little like that's the case, but now I'm not pouring myself into too many social events and work items. It seems like I go through this detox program about once three times a year (after Valentine's, after Pride, and after Halloween) when my schedule is busy and packed & I over do it.

I didn't take any drugs, no body worry...just alcohol...and in LARGE quantities.

I've also had some alone time in the past 2 days to think about things which has been helpful and exciting.

I am a "guy rehabilitator." I show them that all guys aren't assholes. I show them that someone can be nice to them without expecting too much. I show them that there's good people in the world. I did it with JD (summer of 08), JC (summer of 09), JS (fall of 09) and now CW (winter of 10). I'm not a doormat, I don't let them walk all over me. I am honest with them and don't try to mask over any harsh truths.

*as an aside, if anyone from my f+cebook found this blog, I have lots of friends with those initials lol.

The problem with all of this is that the very next guy they meet, they fall in love with and get into LTRs with! It's happened 3 out of 4 times!! (it's been too short of time for CW as of yet)...

I feel a bit used. Is it better to have a feeling and lose it or to never let that out? Or was that feeling even real?

I don't want baggage from them. I don't want to feel confused and hurt and alone at the end of the day.

I don't want to be the boy that never fell in love. Back to doing my thing...continuing rehab for now.

6 comments:

Steven Anthony said...

It sounds like that movie good luck chuck...the same thing happens to him over and over...but it all works out in the end, and it will for you too;)

Hm, What? said...

The same thing happens to me all the time. Except I am the lucky one who's exboyfriends all somehow meet and start dating eachother. It's like I was the one who put them together.

Dane said...

It does sound like the movie Good Luck Chuck (although I've never seen it).

The whole cannibalistic exes dating each other phenomenon ends for most once you get out of your early 20s. More people come out and more people grow up and it does get better. I just don't want to be a baggage collector.

christopherc said...

The emotion/feeling of LOVE is something one lives with every breath and heartbeat. You have chosen to share that love with some very fortunate people in a one on one situation which made them better people in the end... and made you a stronger person with a greater capacity to love throughout life.

The right moment and the right man are destined to find you when you're ready and have all the preparation from life you need for that... until then continue to love and share that love that the world will be a better place.

-C

Dean Grey said...

Dane!

Some gay guys are just stupid, what can I say?

If they weren't into you that's their loss not yours. Maybe they don't even know what they're looking for.

I give you tons of credit. You don't let the heartbreak get you down for long. No, you dust yourself off and try, try again. I just hide and cry under the covers!

-Dean

Dane said...

I'm moving on with a little help from my friends.