Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Broken?

I went to bed last night feeling like I had broken something very special. A vessel that only maybe can be repaired in some way that I have no way of knowing. I feel like I've had a broken heart for a while now (actual physical pain), and I don't know if I need to go to the doctor or if it's all psychosomatic. I have been sleeping well though, which is a positive sign that I'm not dealing with too much anxiety or stress.

Part of the reason I'm feeling this way (broken heart) is when I start to like a guy, we will meet and hang out, we will chat and [as part of our checking them out] we ask our friends what they know about that person.

I guess I pissed someone off; I guess I broke someone's heart; I guess I'm a slut/gossip/bad kisser/lover/hater/whatever, cause guys have been dropping me left and right.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it; maybe these guys are more interested in someone else. Obviously, they aren't right for me right now, but it's hard. I don't want to have to build up a positive reputation and get my karma back flowing in the right direction because I've invested too much early on.

Don't put your eggs all in one basket.

I don't know what I did.

2 comments:

Michael Rivers said...

It's so hard to go through this. I could have written this blog post a dozen times over. If not more. I never know what is wrong with me. I have amazing and well balanced friends. But no one ever wants me in "that way." I almost don't think about it anymore. Perhaps I will be single forever.

Hope you feel better soon. Hugs from Minneapolis.

Dean Grey said...

Dane!

I think this is very common in the gay community. It's just so hard to have a real, solid relationship when none of us have actually witnessed loving relationships between men when we were growing up.

We're all a bunch of fuck-ups in the dating department and we don't know what we're doing.

You just hang in there!

I'm painfully single myself. God knows the loneliness really gets to me sometimes, but maybe it just means a relationship isn't right at this point and time in my life.

Down the road who knows what will happen or who you'll meet.

You have a lot to offer. You're smart, nice looking, and can cook! Any man that isn't interested in that can go fuck themselves!!

Don't rush things. Let nature run its course!

-Dean