Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Anchors and Demons

I'm coming to terms with a lot of heavy issues in my life right now. something that's weighed on my heart for a long time. It's about anchors. I have a tendency to think about this often as I guess I have this deep seeded need to find an anchor in my life.

I've gone so far as to be disappointed with people when they don't live up to my made-up standards because I wanted to find consistency in them. I guess there's 2 lessons in that. First, people are irrational, inconsistent beings with immense ability to do many things. Second, Why in the hell do I create these standards that can't possibly be lived up to? I do it to myself and to others.

I guess that's why I always feel lost and alone. It's because I'm looking for an anchor and can't find one. It's a reason why I'm still single (no one wants to take on a basket case such as myself); besides that, I am clingy. I've had many anchors in life and they are never sufficient: religion, parents, friends, jobs, alcohol, porn, sex, drugs, rock n roll, et al.

I don't know what to say or how to respond or even how to learn out of this. I guess I'm just awash in emotions because everything has been a little bit off since I got this new job. I work way too much and have very little personal time (to run errands, to see friends or family, or to even do something I want to do). I did pay off my car, and I'm about to pay off another credit card so it's helping, all the while unsustainable. I need a good drink, a good cry, and a good fuck (hopefully not all at the same time.)

On a lighter and much happier note, Chris Garneau announced that he's coming out with his second album in July! Just in time for my birthday! YAY!

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