Sunday, February 8, 2009

An Epiphany

I realized something about myself this morning. It came as a thought I've never had but wondered about many times in my life.

I don't have space for a relationship in my life.

I haven't made room for guys to come into my life. I like things the way they are in my apartment and even having a sleepover is something that is not only stressful but I feel puts me out of sorts. It's a weird feeling but I've had it so many times in my life. I'm comfortable with my friends coming over and such but I'm afraid that I've built a lot of walls around that.

I thought I had come to terms with walls many years ago, but I guess I haven't. I'm just worried about being vulnerable. It scares me.

Yet, my walls are safe. They are secure. They are known. I think that's what gets me. I don't let guys in, or I let them in too quickly and they get frightened or what they want and ditch me. I guess I still need some time to work on things.

Ever since 2005, I've had this [false] thought that I'm some how enlightened and that the problem was with other guys. I don't know why I thought this but I did go through a whole process of self reflection. Maybe I need to repeat that process.

I am sad though that I can't seem to get over myself.

3 comments:

Jake said...

You and I are so unlike that it's uncanny. And I never use the word uncanny. Anyway - I've had the same problem. I either let guys in too fast or build up my walls. It's hard to find the happy medium.

Jay said...

Cool blog. I'm adding you to my blogroll :)

jay

christopherc said...

I don't think it's either you, nor the other guy. It's just not been the right combination yet!

When it's right the timing will be there and perfect; you'll know it and you'll fall hard and fast.

In the meantime, know your are appreciated and thought of often.

-C