I realized something about myself this morning. It came as a thought I've never had but wondered about many times in my life.
I don't have space for a relationship in my life.
I haven't made room for guys to come into my life. I like things the way they are in my apartment and even having a sleepover is something that is not only stressful but I feel puts me out of sorts. It's a weird feeling but I've had it so many times in my life. I'm comfortable with my friends coming over and such but I'm afraid that I've built a lot of walls around that.
I thought I had come to terms with walls many years ago, but I guess I haven't. I'm just worried about being vulnerable. It scares me.
Yet, my walls are safe. They are secure. They are known. I think that's what gets me. I don't let guys in, or I let them in too quickly and they get frightened or what they want and ditch me. I guess I still need some time to work on things.
Ever since 2005, I've had this [false] thought that I'm some how enlightened and that the problem was with other guys. I don't know why I thought this but I did go through a whole process of self reflection. Maybe I need to repeat that process.
I am sad though that I can't seem to get over myself.