Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I've been hurt

Now I'm not talking recently, or even in my adolescence; I'm speaking of an event that happened during my childhood and used to keep me up at night. I haven't really thought about it much until this morning at 4:35 am when I woke up and couldn't help but think about it.

I was molested at age 8. I was hurt and things were taken away from me that I will never be able to get back. I think up until this morning at 4:45, I was trying to get those things back. I was hurt. I was a victim of an event that probably changed my life forever. I was hurt and wanted others to hurt with me. (Now these feelings were actually buried and I was unable to move forward with anything; I was paralyzed in life).

I've had to do some deep soul searching and really come to the place that I am. I have questioned why I am single even though I'm trying to not be and have concluded that the main reason is because I was hurt and I wanted others to feel my pain. I don't know why (yet) but now that I'm able to vocalize this pain, I should be able to work through it.

I think the reason I've tried to speak in the past tense today is because I really strive to become a better person. I want to not hold on to that hurt and the things that I lost because I've kept my hands so full that I can't grab new things as they come along. So I'm letting go. I'm letting go of the hurt. I'm letting go of the expectation of anything more or anything less, I'm letting go of the pain that has come in and invaded my soul. I'm not holding on anymore or blaming those that were involved (or were enablers but weren't personally involved).

I always wondered what that change was. What happened between 4th and 5th grade and fundamentally changed me will not hold me back from being the man I need to be now. I need to just let that go and not dwell on it (even subconsciously). I need to work for it.

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