Saturday, May 31, 2008

I just don't know what to say anymore.
We hurt the same the same black and blue. I'm sad.

I thought there was a guy that was interested in me; he wanted to only play around.
I thought work would change if I did; the only thing changed was my time taken from me.
Last weekend really took a lot out of me and it's starting to get to me. I went out and partied so much but still felt guilty about it because I didn't feel wanted at home or the parties.

I've overstayed my welcome here at my parents house and it really is getting to me. I feel like there's no where for me to go and I don't know what to do with my life.

I came out to my parents 3 years ago today and we're still in the same place we were then. Avoidance, Addictions, and Abuse really suck.

I'm realizing that giving my all isn't enough anymore and I just want to give up. I wish I were smaller, a little creepy crawler.

Oklahoma City isn't working out for me any longer. I know I'm uncomfortable here but don't know how to accomplish my dreams. I feel like I have to do everything alone and know that it takes a village to reach what we want (our dreams). I want to be a home owner; I want to be a husband to a man whose deeply in love with me; I want to live in Chicago and be successful in friends, love, housing, a job, and life. I just feel like I still have all this physical baggage all over me (my car got broken in to last weekend and so I spent a lot of money fixing that-even though I had stated I wouldn't put anymore money into it because it's a clunker), I want a new place to live and a new computer. I'm just tired of feeling like everything I own is second hand or on borrowed time. Even my bank account

Okay well I'm rambling; I guess I'm saying I have no ambition for dreams that aren't mine. How do we reconcile others expectations with our own dreams and wishes? I think I've been chasing that answer for longer than I'd like to admit rather than chasing my dreams. I just need to figure out what's mine and what others have grafted onto my life.

No comments: