Thursday, May 8, 2008

Confession

I know; I'm a manic poster today...I can't help it. I've got a lot to say, little audience to say it to, and hopefully it will help me to preserve my sanity a bit better.

My confession is that I think I have an addictive personality. Every time I've done something that's illegal or illicit I get a rush of adrenaline and want more (maybe that's just human nature to not have impulse control). I really need to just not put myself in those situations (usually about 1-2 times a year...).

I currently have one major addiction, porn, and it's hard for me to admit. I look at porn as often as I can; mostly now for the thrill of the chance of being caught. Isn't that crazy? I know I'd be risking my job if my job wasn't cool. I know I feel guilty because we have a new IT guy and I think he thinks I'm a porn addict.

I've even suggested to a guy that we try something (kinda kinky) when he and I had only made out and I think it put him off...sad I know because I had expectations for him...

I've really been working on my expectations of people and it's hard to let them go. It's something I've always done and yet hated myself for doing it and hate that I do it. I want to stop and I'm trying to make a conscious effort to do so.

But back to my confession, I really think I have a problem with it. They say that addicts are always trying to reach a higher summit than before and I've really found that I do that myself. Fortunately I have my wits about me and don't go into anything illegal, but I wonder sometimes if my limits are being pushed and if I actually have control over it. I know it's all I think about when I'm away from my computer and maybe I'm just a mad masturbater and I just need sexual release in other ways. I need a boyfriend and to stop settling for just sex.

I know I hold on to tension and that it's not a positive thing in my life. I know that I hide my sexuality around my parents although I'm out to them. I guess I just want to make them proud but I'll always be some sort of disappointment (they need to lower their expectations of me!). I need a healthy sexuality again (or for the first time). I discovered porn when I was 15 and it was so hot and foreign to watch other people have sex. I really need to get away from it! I think I'm wrote out for the day!

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