At work again...didn't do much this weekend since I have no energy (blood tests coming back today or tomorrow; hopefully I'm just anemic or something) or really much of a social life lately. I have really just checked out and I feel like my mind is already making the transition to the next stage of my life.
I feel like I want to move forward but I'm scared because I wouldn't have a security net. I guess I've really not done anything big in my life since college and I really need to grow out of my fear of failure and try! I also want more friends in Chicago before I move so I'm not feeling like a leach to someone (it's so hard developing a new network, I guess I've not done it since 2000).
I still am searching how to learn to love myself. I heard today through suffering you can appreciate and love more (on NPR), but how does one come out of suffering if it's self-imposed. My parents too are poisoning me with their toxic words and actions and it's really having an effect on my wellbeing.
I just don't want to be in physical pain on a daily basis; I can handle the emotional pain (it's been there for a while...). I think my dad is having another affair, and I need to distance myself from all of this because it's a bit overwhelming to think about having to go through the same things we did back in '04-'06...
Oh yeah, my boss bit my head off after being here a total of 20 minutes...Good start to a week (thumbs up, sarcastic smile, squinty eyes)
I just have to keep looking forward. I sent off an amazing resume and cover letter for a nice job in Chicago on Saturday (keeping fingers crossed they'll call back), and it reminded me why it's good to keep things fresh in my mind. I have to be well versed in cover letters again because I know I need a new job soon.
Beautiful Print by Ryan Kapp (Chicago artist, oil medium):
:: Edit ::
I was in a really sour mood earlier today and I just want to apologize for that. I talked with new girl and we got some stuff worked out...Also it's pay day so I'm in a better mood.
BUT the big development of the day is that I realized that to love myself I have to do things I love. I have to spend time taking photos, reading books, sitting outside enjoying the weather, cooking fabulous meals for myself, traveling and just get back to enjoying life on my own...I feel better about that.