Thursday, March 27, 2008

Haute Thursday!

One of my coworkers has been out of the office all week. One of her best friends from college is visiting her this week (who I happen to have met in October and knew his sister in college; small world) and they came into the office today. Well he is just the most gorgeous guy ever!

He's living in Chicago these days yet he's tan (face and thighs which showed through a hole in his jeans), he's perfectly built (wearing a cute T-shirt that just accentuated his pecs and arms), and has a nice perfect ass (watched it mesmerized while they walked out the door). I was able to chat with him for like 2.5 seconds, but as I just said, they've left for the day. HOTTIE gone...sad Dane...People say he's gay; I would be very happy if that were the case.

Anyway, I'm taking part of the day off to go to the doctor. Then I have to come back for an 'important meeting' with a board member. The whole staff is supposed to attend but I think only half the staff will show...we shall see.

Is it sad that a fleeting convo (where I bumbled like a dork) with a hot guy kinda made my day? The jury is out. I think what's sadder is that I knew he was coming into work today and actually dressed up a bit...

I had a dream about one of my best friends from college last night. We were at a pledge event (all the pledges were introducing themselves with women's names (gay bashing or hazing? IDK)...ODD SHIT goes on in my brain), and he and I were talking. I was seriously flirting with him, putting my hand on his knee, and I apologized for being an ass to him for a year and a half. I still feel bad (and have tried to find him on facebook or myspace to no avail) because I was such a jerk and he tried to fix the relationship but I wouldn't let him.

It's odd to think that I have no college friends that I'm close with anymore. I knew that it was always a fleeting thought (that we came from all over the world for us to all remain close) but everyone that I was close with have moved away and those that I knew as acquaintances (or didn't like) are actually close.

I know that I'm very adaptable to situations in my life but it seems that I always choose the hardest one thinking that I can improve it and better myself. Every job I've had has always (in the words of my coworkers) been a 'Shit Show' and I've just let it go on. I'm so submissive at times (by my nature) and I know that it came from my early years and being terribly afraid of my mother, that I think that I can't stand up for myself and demand a job in a nice facility with professionals. I also was thinking about this on my way to work today. I was thinking about the title of my blog (well informed and out) and how that still applies to my life; I'm ashamed to be out in front of my parents (because shame is a learned trait).

I question what I wear (internally) in front of them each and every day. I won't talk about my personal life (which has dwindled to nothing) for fear of offending them. I won't stand up to them when their beliefs and convictions go against everything I believe. And for that I must apologize. Apologize to myself for letting myself be locked in a closet of my own doing. Apologize to my friends for being so anti-social lately. Apologize to my reader(s) (not sure if it's plural yet haha) for not living up to the most basic of standards. Apologize to my body, mind and soul for not acknowledging my sexuality in a healthy way. I need to stand up for myself (the word for is the key in that sentence because it is in my best interest to stand up).

I guess I'm just bitching today but it does feel a little bit better to get it off my chest. It seems like I can't deal with my problems enough to actually get over them, so repeating them on a blog with the expectation of a different result sounds a bit reasonable (the exact definition of insanity...one's got to wonder).

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