Monday, February 25, 2008


Well I spent the weekend changing another tire, felling about 10 trees with my parents (who lost about 100 trees in December's ice storm), and resting for the busy week ahead. It was a slower than usual weekend (maybe because I wasn't around my 'constantly going' former roommate), but I learned a few things.

First, my roommate lied to me about some financial things. I won't be expecting any of the money back but was just surprised at how he lied to my face while accusing me of lying to him (I for the record really didn't lie). I'm just sad that I bought into the lie and gave him money at the time.

Second, my parents haven't budged on their stance on my sexuality. They still believe it's a choice and that I'm making my life harder for myself than I could by just falling for a girl and having kids. They also believe it's a wedge in our relationship and that I'll never be happy or end up with a chronic/lethal disease (like my father's twin brother who is also gay).

Third, when my guard is down (or spirits), I revert to my old coping mechanism which is eating. I'm still going to porn (unfortunately) and self-loathing (because I feel like certain people want me to change and I sometimes still strive to be a people pleaser). I wish I could know what it was like to fall in love and just be happy and live simply and in peace but it seems something is always coming up trying to steal that. *epiphany: I relearn lessons about once every 2-3 months, so bear with me as I try to solidify these adult lessons (of things always trying to steal my happiness; it's up to me!)

I could listen to BBC all day; it's playing at work right now. I was productive this morning but I really don't care in the afternoon. I need to go over and pack the rest of my things, as well as talk to the property manager and see if I can possibly move on Saturday. I'm tired from doing physical labor all weekend, but I find that it's honestly the best workout one can ever ask for. I'll have the big guns to show off later this week...

1 comment:

Christopher said...

You are correct, no one can make your life into a bundle of happiness except for you. You can't live your life for your parents, nor in the shadow of their philosophy of you. I grew up under a similar situation, but have never been "out" to my parents due to the turmoil it may cause. In the last few years, 've pretty much left it at take what you see for what it is and mom will make her remarks and that's that.

I'll be 40 this year and I can't imagine how much in life I've passed by because of what others think or expect. But, there have been a lot of accomplishments made too.

Live well and live large.